NEW ORLEANS — If the New Orleans Saints 4-game losing streak has done anything to me, besides caused weekly damage to my liver, it has reaffirmed my belief there is nothing in a football fan's life worse than rooting for a team with a completely broken and terrible offense.
There is a unique feeling of hopelessness with teams with no offense and unfortunately the 2021 Saints currently have no offense to speak of.
When your team can't score, even a 7-point deficit feels like too much to overcome, and 10-point deficits feel like standing at the base of the Grand Canyon in the freezing cold on an ill-fated journey to nowhere. That 10-0 halftime deficit to the Buffalo Bills on Thanksgiving might as well have been the national debt ticker in Times Square it felt so massive.
The 2014 to 2016 Saints might have had some of the NFL's most historically bad defenses, but those Saints teams could score and even with bad defense there is always the feeling that maybe they could stumble or bumble their way into an interception or fumble accidentally. One of the joys of watching the Saints defense from 2014-16 was seeing them careen into turnovers by complete randomness and then convince ourselves they somehow weren't actually terrible.
Those Pierre Warren interceptions on a Monday Night in 2014 FELT LIKE MAGIC! Good defense by fluke or serendipity always at least felt possible in a way good offense never does.
Good or even mediocre offense requires sustained proficiency of stacking good plays one after the other. After watching the Saints the past 4 weeks, if they manage even 1 modest scoring drive in the first half Thursday, I'm second-lining through my house.
We have to make this ghastly Saints offense fun to watch and there isn't enough bourbon on earth to numb this pain, so we must get creative, and since the Saints offense isn't going to be able to entertain us by scoring actual points, we need to celebrate their small accomplishments like BIG EVENTS that deserve BIG prizes!
- Taysom Hill converts a 3rd and 12? He's Bacchus 2022!
- Mark Ingram or Alvin Kamara rush for 100 yards? Lee Circle renamed in their honor!
- Any Saints receiver has 80 yards receiving? They are now governor.
We have to make this ghastly Saints offense fun to watch so let's revel in boring regular adequate offense like it's amazing. First downs equal touchdowns and touchdowns equal nirvana.
Saints Fan Mood and Meditation Music: Someday -- New Republic
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNfgVjZF8_4
The Saints haven't been this terrible and unwatchable in a LONG time. Someday it will get better.
Maybe that'll be tomorrow night? It might feel hopeless but I once saw a Mike Ditka Saints team in 1998 beat the 8-4 Dallas Cowboys with a washed up Kerry Collins at quarterback, Wilmont Perry at running back, and Andre Hastings at receiver.
We never know when someday might come. So we keep on watching.
The Games
Last Week: 2-3
Season: 24-26
Dallas (-6) at New Orleans: The Cowboys won't have their head coach Mike McCarthy because he has COVID and the Saints should get a few players back to at least give them a chance. Oh and it's Taysom time!
I'd be way more excited about Taysom Hill playing quarterback if he was completely healthy, but Hill with a hurt foot means his best skill (running) won't be 100%. Not good. The only hope the Saints have in this game on offense is to establish some sort of running game. With Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara on track to return at least there is a chance but with Ryan Ramczyk and Terron Armstead looking unlikely to play that seems like wishing on a star.
For the Saints to win this game it would take what I call MAXIMUM SHENANIGANS; a punt block, multiple non-offensive touchdowns, or Cowboys playing comically awful. Mike McCarthy not on the sideline to make bad decisions might be a negative for the Saints in our desire for shenanigans.
The bad news is that isn't going to happen, the good news is the Saints will have 10 days off after Thursday to hopefully heal and at least be worth watching the rest of 2021. But first they have to hit rock bottom.
Cowboys 38-3
Jacksonville (+13) at Los Angeles Rams: Things could be worse, we could root for the Rams. They are collapsing and mortgaged their future to win this year. I'm enjoying their failure very much.
Rams 30-17
San Francisco (-3.5) at Seattle: Russell Wilson is completely broken but hopefully Sean Payton can fix him in 2022.
49ers 23-16
New York Jets (+6.5) vs Philadelphia: The Saints are currently so bad, they convinced the world the Eagles were good.
Jets 17-14
Detroit (+7) vs Minnesota: This isn't a pick for the Lions as much as it's AGAINST the Vikings
Lions 20-19
Ralph Malbrough is a contributing writer and Saints fan living in Houston. Email him at saintshappyhour@gmail.com, find him on Facebook, or follow him on Twitter at @SaintsForecast or download the Saints Happy Hour Podcast.