NEW ORLEANS — Dear Mr. Webb,
Congratulations on making it on WWLTV!
Much like you, I was once a visitor to New Orleans. Now, I’m a resident and have been for several years. I read your letter quite intently, while smoking a perfectly rolled joint from a lawn chair that I’ve set up in the ever-expanding pothole on my street.
I’m a reasonably busy man, without much time to indulge in matters like this. But I felt compelled to write a response to your letter, primarily because I have so many questions:
Are you really “just like any other visitor” to New Orleans? It took me just one visit to decide that I wanted to live here. Additionally, I’ve had no less than four visitors this year and they all had the time of their lives.
How was the baseball tournament? Did your son have fun?
Did you enjoy all of those historic downtown hot spots you mentioned? Were you entertained by all the riff-raff on Canal St.? Did you drink hand grenades and Huge-Ass Beers and revel with other tourists on Bourbon St.?
Get anything good at the French Market?
Did you marvel at the mighty Mississippi when you were on the riverboat? Were you inspired by the Riverwalk? OMG, did you indulge in the coffee and beignets at “Café Du Mon” and get powdered sugar all over your hands like an excited toddler? Did you notice that “Café Du Mon” is actually spelled “Café Du Monde”?
Or were you too distracted by thoughts of the dilapidated buildings you noticed while driving on the interstate? You know, those scars of Katrina’s aftermath?
Were you here during Katrina? I wasn’t, but I often talk to natives about its mass devastation. Did you know that 80 percent of New Orleans was under water? Did you know that Katrina caused upwards of 100 billion dollars in damage?
I would imagine it could take years (perhaps even 16) for a city to come back from something like that. What do you think?
When you refer to the “stench” of WEED, do you mean the delightful aroma that emanates from the oh-so-glorious wonder drug that has been legalized recreationally in 19 states and medically in 36 states (including Louisiana, where it has also been decriminalized)?
Have you ever smoked weed? If not, have you thought about giving it a whirl? It’ll benefit you in the long run. Promise.
You are right that our homeless are in need of attention. Just like the homeless in Denver, Austin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and dozens of other major cities across the country. Have you been to those cities? Did you email their mayors?
Did you know that we are on the back end of a global pandemic, which sent the economy into a tailspin and caused an incalculable amount of people to lose their livelihoods?
Thank the lord almighty you weren’t one of those people, am I right?
What do you mean when you say our homeless “darken the doorways of closed up shops everywhere?” What closed up shops? Where the hell were you? Are you exaggerating, sir?
Anyway. Yes, these folks certainly need a helping hand. Did you offer a helping hand? Some pocket change or maybe a bottled water? Or did you just mutter to yourself in disgust while side-stepping all that urine and defecation?
Where were you again? Are you sure you were in the French Market?
Last time I was in Mobile, incidentally, three different homeless people asked me for a cigarette. Who the hell is your mayor? I think I should email him. Or her.
Bear with me, Mr. Webb. I just have a few more questions.
When you visit New Orleans, do you ever venture outside of downtown?
Have you taken a mid-morning stroll through the Garden District? Have you meandered up and down Magazine Street, with all its shops and galleries and boutiques and bars?
Have you taken the streetcar up St. Charles so you can stare in awe at the historic mansions? Has your son seen the oak trees draped in Mardi Gras beads?
Have you explored Uptown? Or walked through the allées of Audubon Park? Have you gone to The Fly and watched the sun set over the river?
Have you sat and enjoyed a cappuccino at a coffee shop on Oak Street or Maple Street?
Have you ventured over to Mid-City? Have you walked along Bayou St. John, while cheerful residents kayak and play volleyball and do yoga and frolic in the sunshine? Do you know what sunshine is?
Have you ever just sat down in the grass in City Park and wondered how something so beautiful came to exist?
Or were you too busy looking for things to bitch about?
Have you ever sat at the bar at The Spotted Cat on Frenchmen Street on a Sunday afternoon? Have you ever caught Rebirth Brass Band on a Tuesday night at The Maple Leaf or the The Soul Rebels on a Thursday Night at Le Bon Temps Roule? Have you ever danced outside of Vaughan’s Lounge on a Friday evening while Treme Brass Band did their thing? Have you ever seen Jon Cleary tickle the ivories at Chickie Wah Wah?
Have you ever been to one of our festivals?
If I may say, you don’t seem like the festival type.
Have you noticed that the people of New Orleans have a certain spirit of generosity? Have you noticed that they smile as they pass you by? And ask you how you’re doing?
Or were you too occupied noticing the same crap that plagues a multitude of other American cities?
Here’s the thing, Mr. Webb. I would imagine that being the mayor of any city kind of sucks. Admittedly, I don’t have much of an opinion when it comes to Mayor Latoya Cantrell (sic). Seems like she’s done some good things, seems like she’s done some stupid things.
I guess that’s just politics, man.
But I do have an opinion about the City of NOLA. A very strong one, in fact.
New Orleans is a very special place – a city unlike any other. Those of us who choose to live here, we cherish it.
Yes, this city has its problems. And we don’t actually need you to point them out.
Lastly, Mr. Webb, I want to strongly discourage you from coming back. This may mean absolutely nothing to you, seeing as how I’m a complete stranger. But we have plenty of visitors who soak up the city without complaint.
Besides, if you come back, you might step in feces. And I doubt you seek such a goal.
Anthony D. Endelman
A Proud Resident
